I was talking with a female intern the other day. We talked about why it’s so hard for so many people to fully receive sexually. I often encounter women who have difficulty in receiving and it can present itself many ways.
At the root of not being able to receive is the way we are socialized to care for everyone else, give to others constantly, and then we wonder why we are not able to receive. We’ve been conditioned not to. It is a result of the co-dependent relationship style that has been normalized in our culture. I’ve seen women serve everyone else dinner, and then everyone starts eating and do not even wait for her to sit down and join them. We’ve all witnessed the woman who does everything in a household to care for husband, children, laundry, cleaning, cooking, plus other work and there is still always more to give, more people want from her.
When does she get to just sit back and actually receive from others? Many women live their whole lives this way.
Even if you buck this idea and you are determined to have mutuality in your relationships, let’s look at how that mutuality often isn’t there.
Certainly sexually it’s common for men to get their orgasm, feel satisfied and then for sex to end, whether or not their partners got off. In heterosexual relationships, the scales are still so uneven and we are questioning this approach to sex, yet there is still so far to go to change this paradigm that sex ends when a man is done. Even the greatest, most sensitive guys sometimes fall prey to this pattern–because they are socialized this way too.
Another reason women do not receive is that they are not able to be vulnerable enough to be open to receiving. To receive sexually, is to be vulnerable. It is to be given to, to be seen and heard. This is wildly uncomfortable for many people.
Can you be vulnerable enough to take as long as you want to take, to really get yours and not feel bad about it, to just revel in your own pleasure?
That said, there are often reasons why a person does not feel like they can be vulnerable, yet almost all boil down to trusting; trusting yourself, trusting your partner, trusting Life.
You may not feel like your partner is a person you want to be that vulnerable with.
You might not feel enough safety with them.
You may be in a place of having a hard time using your voice to say “yes more please” or “slow down” or “not that, this” or “I need an adjustment”.
If you are not able to use your voice to modulate what happens to you it would make sense that you would feel too vulnerable and might retreat and just not go there.
Another common reason is, many people do not believe they deserve pleasure or good things. This belief is often very unconscious. I have several women I am currently working with who have amazing partners and they are still waiting for the shoe to drop. The puritan belief that “life is suffering”, that pleasure is sinful and will be punished, is still extremely strong in our collective unconscious. They must privately feel bad, to be good.
If it’s too good to be true, they feel bad to have it so good. They won’t let themselves just have it and love it and receive it and feel it to the core.
Take it! It’s being given to you! Take it, and enjoy it. For someone to try to give you an amazing gift and for you to keep your hand closed and refuse to take it, that is offensive.
Grief is love not received.
It’s you closing yourself to life itself. Pleasure can’t be given without being received. Giving and receiving go hand in hand. They are two sides of the same coin.
You must learn to receive. You must let yourself and teach yourself to just say yes please and thank you. No explanations. No buts. No only ifs. No, I couldn’t. Simply allow it.
Take in the love the universe is trying to give to you or it will start to think you don’t want it.
I believe you want to feel good. It is naturally human. If you’re having difficulty receiving, contact me. I can help you help you find the harmony in the giving/receiving paradigm.
In Love & Service,