A few weeks ago an unusually mature and thoughtful young man asked me, “What makes a good lover?” He was meaning sexually. He was about 24, admittedly inexperienced in sex and relationships and didn’t want to do things “wrong.” I said if he wanted to be a good lover, he should really want to be a good lover.
That surprised him. He expected to hear there was some sort of action or secret to being a good lover. He is a recent university graduate and put his time and attention into his studies. He believed that his education will make him valuable in the workplace. I told him that if he wants to be valuable in relationships he should educate himself there as well. Most people just assume they know “how to relate”, like they are born with it. Loving is a skill, a practice like any other. It is more so an art, in that your skill and practice must be authentically yours. I told him he must develop his own definition of love and practice doing and being that. Loving makes you a better lover. Sometimes your loving will be beautiful, sometimes it will not be so good. You learn.
I reassured him that the fact that he was sitting across from me asking this question was an amazing beginning. That he was on the right track. He obviously wanted to be a good lover. Most people are interested in “finding” a good lover, not being one.
The quality of love you receive will be in proportion to quality of love you give. That is value.
So in the spirit of love, I told him here are four things to consider to be a good lover.
Love Your Body:
One percent of Americans have Body Dysmorphic Disorder; the rest of us may have a plethora of issues (minor to major) in our self-perception based on varying circumstances and hormonal cycles.
Learning to love your body is a skill that takes honest work. The most loving thing you can do for your sexual partner is to be willing to work through any obstacles you have about the way you look and feel about yourself. Feeling comfortable with exactly how you are in this moment gives you a freedom in your loving, sexual expression.
Love Your Heart:
Being open-hearted in our society is, for some, akin with being vulnerable to manipulation; but in fact, we’re only vulnerable to the information we don’t have or don’t want to have.
On the low end: Open heartedness is trusting yourself. On the high end: Open heartedness is bringing the experience of un-conditionality into your loving experience. That means a complete openness to your partner and their needs in addition to the ability to know and express your needs to your partner.
Love Your Partner:
Loving your sexual partner doesn’t necessarily mean to be in love with them. It means you’re willing to be generous with your truth, honesty, and kindness and negotiate a relationship that works for both of you.
From a fully accountable position, we let people treat us how they do. Setting a boundary the first time a partner expresses a behavior that we’re not interested in is the key.
Rarely does bad behavior just present itself all at once. If it did, that would be much easier to deal with. Un-loving behavior happens in increments over time. For example, it’s easy to allow yourself to be called a name in anger, because your partner had a bad day that had nothing to do with you. Ultimately, over time, you are teaching your partner there are times when it’s okay to treat you poorly. Just saying, “Hey, I know you’ve had a bad day, but don’t call me names. That’s unacceptable,” can change the course of your entire relationship.
Expressing a deliberate boundary in a peaceful voice is enough to change the direction positively, especially when you’re just getting to know someone.
Love the Experience:
Being present in your sexual relationship requires courage. When you’re present, you’re connected and open to receiving loving energy. As you know, a natural response to being uncomfortable is contraction-–to pull back emotionally or withhold sexual expression. Opening to someone’s loving energy expands and moves you on every level; spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Letting yourself receive your partner on all levels creates an unforgettable experience.
Of course, I’d be remiss to present an article on loving and being a good lover without mentioning the most important aspect of love.
When you love yourself and meet your own needs, you allow yourself to show authentic interest in your partner; who they are, what they like, their needs, and your sexual expression with them. The ability to love someone else is rooted in loving yourself.
Call us if wish to be a really great lover. <3